Some people can just find reasons to celebrate out of nothing and others (like me) keep sulking and cribbing and remain upset and worried and anxious even when life gives them a reason good enough to celebrate or rather have a bash!!! And I am hating it and the worst is that I know it but I am not doing anything about it (apart from posting this rant here) and I don’t even know why I am not doing anything about it!
I just don’t feel like celebrating… nothing excites me too much… why? I just don’t know! But I know this is not the best thing to do… this is not the best of behaviors… and this is not how I have ever wanted to be! I have always wanted to be and have been the one to show others every minutest reason to smile, to feel good, to celebrate. I remember how often I used to use the phrase ‘C’mon, learn to make a party out of everything’… And haven’t I always believed that it’s important to celebrate every small occasion with a lot of passion to appreciate small things in life which are apparently more important than the so-called ‘big’ ones! And I remember sending cards and flowers and SMSes I don’t know what all to people to celebrate li’l things like rose day/b’day/promotions/v day/friendship day and every other ‘day’ on the planet, to make them smile when they are feeling down for no reason, to wish good luck, or sometimes just wishing a smile for someone to make the day special… then why the hell can’t I do it for myself? Why can’t I celebrate my small but special achievements/moments/days… why can’t I smile for the same things when the happen with me, on which I like making others smile? I wonder where will I land up in life with so many ‘whys’…
And today…. and actually not just today… but from sometime even occasions don’t make me feel special… they look like just-another-day….. and this is not funny at all…. especially knowing myself, knowing how much I have always cared for these ‘may be stupid’ things…. and right now I feel like laughing at myself… It seems like life is telling me… look you idiot…how you used to waste time on these stupid things…and like a small child I am telling it that those things were not stupid… they were always worth that celebration… and then.. it just laughs at me.. and I keep standing with my head down…
I am just plain, simple irritated right now… not with anyone else but myself… I don’t have to do this to myself!
When you are irritated with yourself is when it hurts the most.
When I am upset/cranky and people ask me why, I say I don’t know. But I know damn well why I am upset, and if I were to spell it out, there would be mayhem!!
And like you said, I would be upset about someone/something, and it will be the poor nice people who will have to bear the brunt of it..
Well… with me I don’t spell it out not because of a fear of a mayhem but because I’m just not that person who will say everything… I need people to understand for themselves! But I wish I didn’t have a transparent face which shows it all